When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
Charlotte, would you char-let me rock your world?
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
Well well, you’ve John and got my attention for sure
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
Sip, sip, horray!
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
Are you a can of bear spray? ‘Cause you really spice things up around here.
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
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