When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
As it snow happens.
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
"Time wounds all heels."
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
Variety is the ice of life.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
You’ve been here for short while, but my heart is beating really fast and I can feel some surface tension between us.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
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