Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
Are you a mosquito? ‘Cause I’m a sucker for you.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
I eat eel while you peel eel
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
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