What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
You need to go out on a date with me right now. Alex-plain later
I don't want to be alone. Help me make it through the night.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
Are you a ghost? Because you’ve been haunting my dreams.
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
We must be near an airport, because my heart just took off when I saw you!
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
Call me a pirate and give me that booty.
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)
Hey girl, are you on the endangered species list? 'Cause baby you are one of a kind!
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
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