What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
How was heaven when you left it?
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
Is that the sun coming up?
Or is it just you lighting up my world?
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
Hi. Do you remember me? Oh, that’s right—we’ve only met in my dreams.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
Those aren't sugar plums dancing through my head, it's all you.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
We’re calling your number.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
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