How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
I give roughing a whole new definition.
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
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