What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
I thought the play was frightful but I saw it under particularly unfortunate circumstances - the curtain was up.
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
Babe, you are the only brand I desire and I want no substitution.
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.
"Having a good hare day."
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
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