Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
We're donion rings.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
Your name must be trigonometry, because you make me want to cry.
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Flute players provide some cheap trills.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
Owl always love you.
Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
It's always a first class trip with me.
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
Summer went swimmingly this year.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
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