What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
Let’s get elf-ed up.
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
"Will you accept this rosé?"
Want to show me how to make steamy greens?
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
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