Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
Guess my spotify is broken. I saw you on the top 10 of this month, but you're clearly a solid 11.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
My feelings of love for you are like the stars in the sky. They're probably long dead.
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
I don't think you can diagnose me because there's no treatment for being madly in love.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
Please excuse my resting beach face.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
What a spud muffin.
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
Girl you are like the sweet song of a choir.
Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
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