These book puns have tickled your spine.
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
Are you a girl scout because you tie my heart in knots.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.
My weekend is fully booked.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
Hey, want to get together sometime since we both have unpaired electrons?
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
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