"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
How about a kanga-root?
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
Is it me or is there an interaction between us?
"Our relationship is like a fat guy."
"What?"
"It's not working out."
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
How are you still so fat when you've been running in my mind for so long?
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