Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
"It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you."
If I said you had a gorgeous shell would you hold it against me?
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
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