You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
Of course your name is Amy. I can already tell you’re Amy-zing
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
Is that a fugue I can hear? Because we’re about to get entangled
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
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