I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
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