Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
Boy, are you Elvis Presley? Because lord almighty I feel my temperature rising
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
I think I found my perfect match
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
I may be dressed as a vampire tonihgt, but if you play your cards right you might be the one sucking
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
Here's to a big opening weekend.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
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