Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
Are you my appendix? Because I don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
Sorry I'm so quiet this evening. You simply took my breath away.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
"There's no bunny like you."
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
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