Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.

What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.

I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.

While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"

You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!

Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a nice girl.

What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.

Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!

Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”

When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?

It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.

"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle

What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.

Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!

Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.

What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.

What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."

Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.

In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet

How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.

What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.

I hope you prefer men who take grooming seriously.

What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.

This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues

Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"

"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock

What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?

Fast food.

What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.

I’ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.

Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.

Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.

Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!

An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.

"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov

What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!

"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"

An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."

Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?

I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!

The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."

“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson

"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.

You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.