After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
Tom Hanks just got the Corona virus.
They had to lock the whole Cast Away.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
If I was a robot and you were one 2 if I lost a nut would you give me a screw.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
They say this stuff makes clothes really soft. Want to come over and have a feel?
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
Love at frost sight!
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
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