Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
My text tone is adorable! Message me, so you can hear it.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
If I had Jack Sparrow's compass, it'd be pointing at you.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
The Best Break Up Lines
Want to know a joke? Our relationship.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
You met all of my koala-fications
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
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