I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
Is your mom a hooker? Cause I'm hooked on you.
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Hey there cyclist, want to go on a morning ride?
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
"Hey baby, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
Wish upon a starfish.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
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