Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
You know what they say? Words.
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
Do you run track? Cause I relay like you!
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
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