Best in snow.

What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.

Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.

Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.

What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.

Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.

How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!

The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.

“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet

How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.

"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."

A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."

Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?

“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin

Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.

Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.

What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!

“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?

Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.

Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.

How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?

Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.

I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.

My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.

Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.

How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!

Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.

I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.

What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!

I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'

The Optimist said 'The door is half open'

The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'

Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.

"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.

What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.

"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous

Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.

All dressed up and nowhere to grow.

A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."

What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!

I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.

Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!

How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)

Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?

Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."