Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
"Bugs and hisses."
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table?
She was hogging all the food!
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
When I see your face there's not a thing that I would change...
"If I win, I get to take you home. If you win, you can come home with me."
- Trees Lounge (1996)
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
I like you sow much.
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
Girl, you're so beautiful. I'd cross the Delaware River to be with you.
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima horny, let's screw.
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