Please excuse my resting beach face.
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
I love you meow and forever.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
I have bean thinking about you.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
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