You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
My golf number may not be that good but my phone number sure is!
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!
I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
You must have a C3 convertase inhibitor because you’re impossible to complement. You’re already perfect.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
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