You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
Whale, hello there.
What's your number?? Err I mean your name?
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
Are you my favorite book? Because when I think about you I touch my shelf.
I'm acorn-y person.
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
I need an Imodium because I can't hold in my love for you.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
Kicking Baby Considered Healthy
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.
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