Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Has a guy ever walked up to you just to tell you how beautiful you are?
They must have been much drunker than I am.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koalafications.
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
Please excuse my resting beach face.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
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