Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
Variety is the ice of life.
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
Let me be a chicken nugget, and take a dip in your sauce.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
I like your tight end
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration, a guy sticks his location in a girl’s destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
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