I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.

Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.

What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.

That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.

A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”

Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.

So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.

Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.

Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.

What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!

The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.

What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”

What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”

You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?

What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.

When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event

When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.

What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.

Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.

Why don't we do it in the road?No one will be watching us

- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

Oh wow sorry – I just got l’Austin your eyes.

Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!

"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.

“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge

"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis

What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.

What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.

If you think a meteor is hard, you should see what you are doing to my missile.

Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!

I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.

"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."

What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.

Robviously, I couldn’t help but ask you out

How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!

A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.

Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?

It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.

What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.

What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!

I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.

The man was shocked as well.

The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"

What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?

You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty

You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit

You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger

Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.

Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.

“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow

An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.