What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
Your name must be Candy- cuz you look so sweet.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koalafications.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
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