Careful of that Earl Grey, it’s super hot! Oh wait, you don’t need to worry. It’s not as hot as you.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
I’m feeling a little blue, do you think you could help al-Levi-ate my pain with a good date?
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
If you can join the seas and the rivers, why not join your lips and mine?
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
I Got to Get You Into My Life
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
Go to BabaMail
