Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you?
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Hey girl. Feel my sweater. Know what it’s made of? Husband material.
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day.
I love you meow and forever.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
Man: I've lost my phone number can I have yours?
Woman: Sure, my number is 911-8473 (works better if you write it down)
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
Are you a sprint set? Because you get my heart racing.
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
Do you have a quarter I can Bora Bora? I want to call my mom and tell her I've met the girl of my dreams.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
You're like baseball: You make me all nervous
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
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