I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
Did the Lord take the thunder from the skies, and put it in your thighs?
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
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