I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
I must have a neurodegenerative disease because I’ve forgotten your number, cutie.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
I was supposed to solve for X. I am so glad that I found U instead.
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."
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