Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
All things must grass.
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
Could I have your name and number for my prayer list?
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
You're as hot as a desert summer.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
Pirates Private Property.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.
Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Let’s take an elfie.
Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
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