What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
Why are witches good at farming?
Because they love occult-ivation.
I love you meow and forever.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
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