Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
Icy what you did there!
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
I just pooped in my bed. Can I sleep in yours?
Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
Hey baby, can I roll up your rim?
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Coffee, tea, or just more of me?
You must be a 90º angle. ‘Cause, you’re looking right!
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
Want to see the real coming attraction?
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
Go to BabaMail
