How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
Baby, you're so sweet you'd put Hershey's out of business!
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
I scored when I met you.
Were you forged by Sauron? Because baby, you're precious.
If you where a sheep I would clone you.
Did my Spotify playlist glitch? Because you are the only song I hear.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
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