"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
Why did the werewolf laugh while chewing on the skeleton?
He got to the funny bone.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
Hey girl, I can't wait to see your body - of Christ.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
We bee-long together.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
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