I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
How Rudolf you to say that!
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Control freak.
Co…
You should say "Control freak who" now.
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Are you Ebala? Because you melt my insides.
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter.
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
Keep calm and leprech-on.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
I just pooped in my bed. Can I sleep in yours?
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