Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
Let me plant one on ya!
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
Whale, hello there.
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
I think we Anthon-eed to get to know each other soon
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.
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