Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.

Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.

"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"

Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking

Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base

What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.

What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.

Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton

I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.

Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.

It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.

Let’s make like a banana and split.

A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.

What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.

Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.

What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.

"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx

Just call me milk. I'll do your body good.

What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.

Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.

It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.

What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.

How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.

I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."

Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.

Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.

(By John P. Read )

When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.

Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.

"I would hop to the end of the world for you."

Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.

What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!

Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.

Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

(Unknown)

"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown

"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.

Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.

Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie

How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.

What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.

A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."

“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx

In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.

When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!

Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"

“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney

“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin