Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
I now believe in Angels.
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
Is it hot in here - or is it just you?
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
I was prepping the raw turkey for Thanksgiving dinner
It was fowl.
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
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