Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
Something tells me we'd make great travel partners.
Lettuce go on a long drive.
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
Don’t be elfish.
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Every time I look at you, I feel like an astronaut. Your beauty makes me float.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
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