“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
A little less fight and a little more spark, close your mouth and open your heart.
Scientists have recently discovered a rare new element called Beautium. It looks like you are made of it.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
Has a guy ever walked up to you just to tell you how beautiful you are?
They must have been much drunker than I am.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
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