What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
Are you a fidget spinner? Because the last time I had fun with you was forever ago and I’m not really interested in touching you anymore. I’m pretty sure you were just a phase and now I’d really like to get you out of my house and forget it ever happened.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
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