Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
Want to be workout buddies?
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
You’re the girl that everybody wants. Today is their lucky day.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
Once you finish deep breathing, do you want to start panting?
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Caesar quick, she’s running away.
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
Is this room hot or it’s just you?
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
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