When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by you again?
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Are you a cat? Because you're purrrrrfect.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
I just heard some coyotes outside. I don't want to sleep a lone wolf tonight.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Call me Joshua, because I'm going to break down your walls.
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
My love for you is like a fruitcake during the holidays - nutty, spicy and unavoidable, no matter how hard you try.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
Go to BabaMail
