What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
Look like we've got a long wait here in the check-out line, so why don't we get acquainted.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
I couldn’t help but approach, you’ve been on my mind Twenty four Evan
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
You've got great posture. I'd love to see you flow sometime.
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