I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.

Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…

When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.

What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.

Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.

I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.

What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!

What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.

"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."

"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.

"Because its always jammin"

Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...

Talk literary to me.

This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!

I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!

What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!

What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!

What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.

When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.

What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!

The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.

Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!

(Larry Huggins)

What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.

Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.

What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief

Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.

Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?

What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.

“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb

If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!

Why aren't there more Bigfoot jokes?
There are, but they're really hard to find!

What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Do you know the difference between a wasps and a bee? A wasp is mean and aggressive… but Abby is sweet and cute

“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”

- Erma Bombeck.

“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”

- Mary Bly.

“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”

- Jerry Seinfeld.

Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!

What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?

The family dog’s nose.

What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.

When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.

What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.

I wish I was a pronoun so I could be the direct object of your affection!

Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.

What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)

My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!

Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.

Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)