Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.

I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.

Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!

I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.

What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.

How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.

Yo baby, you want to see me solve a quadratic?

Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?

Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!

Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”

What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike

What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.

My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."

A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."

Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.

There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president

What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.

Your sweater must be made out of wife material.

“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.

My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.

Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.

I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t

I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.

"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown

What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!

Rivers are...
the original streaming service.

I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.

Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball

Will you be the perimeter to my world?

The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.

Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.

"No eggs-cuses."

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.

“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste

What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.

How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.

These puns are turtle-y hilarious.

My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.

Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.

Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.

What has four legs and one arm?

A rottweiler at a park.

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.