What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
Don’t give into beer pressure.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
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