What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
You look like a bowl of ice cream, I just want to spoon you.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
They say this stuff makes clothes really soft. Want to come over and have a feel?
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
My love for you is so strong it can’t be dialyzed.
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