"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
Are you from Tennessee?
Because you look inbred.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
Would you like to come to my quarters tonight for some toast?
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
If it weren’t for the summer sun, you’d be the hottest thing ever created.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
"Eggs-cuse me."
You’re wine in a million.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
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