Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
Why don't we do it in the road?No one will be watching us
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Nice to meet you, Jasmine… so shall we remove the Jas and just make you Mine?
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Remember me? Oh I'm sorry how would you know me, we've met only in my dreams.
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
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