Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
You're hotter than a Bunsen burner.
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ears
Ears who?
Ears another knock knock jokes for you!
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
Football is one habit I will never kick.
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
You’re such an adventure, let me explore you.
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
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