" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
I’ve never seen a sleeker frame.
"Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?"
I want you more than I want world peace.
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
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