Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
I'm sorry I wasn't around in the past. Can I be part of your future?
Please, please me
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
You can hold my hand if you're afraid of camp fire stories.
Are you a time traveler? Because I absolutely see you in my future.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
By any chance, is your atomic number 11? Well, it’s because you are sodium fine!
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.
I can feel something brewing between the two of us.
Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
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