I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
We were mermaid for each other.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
Can I call you "whom"? Because you're the object — of my affections.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
You better beer-live it!
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
Since all the hot ones are already taken, this is going to be your lucky night!
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
Man: If your left leg was breakfast and your right leg was lunch, I wouldn't be able to resist snacking between meals.
Woman: If your left leg was yoga and your right leg was cycling, I wouldn't be able to resist kickboxing between classes.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
I'm pine-ing for you.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
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