Are you a time traveler? Because I absolutely see you in my future.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
Nathan compares to you
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
Irish I had better jokes.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
If I wrote a cookbook, you'd be the featured recipe.
You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
I have the final sleigh.
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
I can go 90 minutes without stopping.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
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