What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your body heat with me.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
I wish I was your coronary artery so that I could be wrapped around your heart.
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
You’re my soul Santa.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
"I've found some bunny to love."
Did you know you look good in short pants?
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
You make me want to Twist and Shout
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
Man: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Woman: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
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