What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!
If we were binary, you’d be the one for me.
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
Nice Skates... wanna puck?
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
Seas the day.
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
Are you lonesome tonight? I can't help falling in love with you.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
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