My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.

Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.

What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.

Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.

Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe

If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!

To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.

Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!

Were you a member of the Boy Scouts? You’ve tangled up my heart.

I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone

I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?

What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.

Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.

It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.

Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.

“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown

"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."

Be-leaf me, you look great in green.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.

Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.

Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.

What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!

Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.

What do turkeys and women have in common?

A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.

The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.

What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!

One trick peony.

What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.

“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen

What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”

What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?

One baked with May-flour.

Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.

What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!

Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.

I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."

I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.

Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.

Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.

“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann

Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!

Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.

“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar

What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.

An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"

If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.

It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.

I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.

Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.