A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
Time fries when you’re having fun!
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
I forgot my reusable bag, can I borrow one of yours?
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
Baby, you're a firework.
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
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