The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
Knock knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Surely you mean to whom.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
This is snow laughing matter!
Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."
Is it a full moon? Because I feel a tidal pull toward your heavenly body.
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
Are you squiding me right now?
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
Old Man: "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman: "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
Baby, are you a lane rope? Because I want to lay on you all day long.
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