What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
You are astoundingly gorgeous, but I can tell that’s the least exciting thing about you. I’d love to know more.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
Tonight, I’m on a hunt for your number.
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
You can count on the stars, but you can’t ever count on how much I miss you.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
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