Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I would be holding a galaxy.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
Wow, you have a the chin of Superman. I bet you could take a serious punch.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
I’m winning this race to get your number. Are you game?
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
Your Bosons are giving me a Hadron.
Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
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