It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
You are my density!
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
I have a snake and he wants to enter your garden.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
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