A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
Are you squiding me right now?
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
You're a Catch Worthy of a Gold Glove
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
All stereos are so typical.
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Sadie.
Sadie who?
Sadie magic word and watch me disappear!
Go to BabaMail
