“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
Lava is red and tsunamis are blue. If I had to choose a case study, I’d choose you.
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
One more thyme.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
Copernicus was wrong, you are the center of my universe.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
Babe, I just checked Spotify. It says you're this week's hottest new single.
Don’t be elfish.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
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