When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
Is your nickname Mercury? Cause you look habitable.
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
I don’t know what I’d do without you, but starting tomorrow I’m going to give it a try.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.
Give me extra time; I’ll prove to you that I’m worth it.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light, because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
I see my future like how the Americans spell colour. Without u.
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."
My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
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