Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.

Are you a red light because stop.

All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.

Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!

What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee

If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.

The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.

“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”

- Charles De Gaulle.

What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu

Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.

You’re the queen of my heart.

Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.

Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.

Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner

When I see your face there's not a thing that I would change...

The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.

What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!

It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.

He came, he thawed, he conquered.

I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.

I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."

- Stephen Bishop

What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.

If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.

I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.

Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.

"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett

The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.

Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns

Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.

There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.

What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.

Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.

How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.

What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”

Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.

What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.

A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned

What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.

What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.

Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.

I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.

Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.

What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!

How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!

They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.

When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.

They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.

(By Jessica Miles)

How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!