If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
Have you ever been fishing before? I think we should hook up!
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
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