Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
Looking at the sediment grain size scale, it looks like you’re finer than silt.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
You are pitcher perfect.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
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